Fights are easily one of those things that people who are in a romantic relationship dread the most, aren’t they? The whole process of arguing with your partner can drain you in more than ways just one. It’s exhausting, it’s a total waste of time, it’s emotionally and mentally toxic, and at times, it can also be considered to be pointless. And, when your partner throws the same copy of offense at you every single time you fight, you get to the phase where you tell yourself, “That’s it. I’m done and dusted!” You convince yourself that your relationship is doomed. Surprisingly, the case is actually the opposite of what you think here.
A clinical psychologist, Deborah Grody says that no way having zero arguments in a relationship qualifies it for an eternal lifespan. She adds that such relationships (where there are no arguments) can be considered as the ones that don’t really have any flame within — they’re just completely put off! Deborah goes on to explain that those couples who claim to have found their unique formula to lead a peaceful argument-free life, they clearly must’ve become indifferent. They don’t care, therefore, they don’t fight. And, Gordy thinks that such couples are the ones who are most likely to part ways or get divorced (1).
Of course, we aren’t saying that couples need to have fiery fights in order to live together. What we think is that healthy arguments need to exist between couples because they are good for the longevity of a relationship. However, these arguments need to be handled constructively. Studies also say that having honest conversations after a small fight outweighs the discomfort that has sprouted because of showing anger or frustration between the couples (2).
How To Fight Right With Your Partner
The success of a relationship is determined by the way sensitive issues are handled or debated over between the couple. True love clearly isn’t easy — it takes work! And, this holds for real intimacy as well. It isn’t just about love. It is about the truth. So, there are a few ways (the right ones) to consider while fighting with your partner. So, please do keep the following points in mind the next time you happen to disagree with your SO.
Learn To Address The Root Of The Conflict
Most of the arguments tend to have a pattern and you need to identify it first. What we’re trying to say here is that there are high chances your partner and you have been arguing and fighting over one single problem over and over again without resolving it. The only way this whole cycle of fighting over a single issue can be broken is by understanding the root cause for it.
For example, many couples have this one common evening fight as soon as they’re back home after work. While one may love to be calm and quiet for the first few minutes, the other might want to sit down and talk about how the day went by. The person who is calm and quiet can be misunderstood as a display of no interest or concern and this can lead to a fight. Kissing hello or talking after fifteen minutes of getting back home can solve this problem.
Don’t Complain; Instead, Ask!
One of the mistakes that we do when angry is that we end up generalizing our partners. “You always…” or “You never…” do these terms sound familiar? Whoever is being told this, will feel under attack naturally. They will retaliate and fight back, won’t they?
If you have certain expectations from your partner and your partner isn’t delivering them to you, there’s a way to ask for it. Instead of making use of tones that sound more like blame or a complain, one needs to opt for a more direct way of asking. “Could you help me wash the dishes?” sounds better than “You never help me with house chores.” We’re sure you got the difference by now.
First Listen And Then Clarify
This is so true, isn’t it? 90 percent of the times we’re more engrossed in what our next counter-statement would be, and in turn, we never pay heed to what is being said to us. If you really care about your relationship, please, just listen! After listening, if you find out that something needs clarification, then do it and then, think what needs to be said.
Trust us. If you begin to practice this, your partner too will start to imbibe it too.
Schedule Your Arguments
At first, you might feel that this just doesn’t make sense. How can one time an argument? After all, it usually occurs the moment an issue sprouts. But, having scheduled your argument will give your partner and you ample time to think clearly, figure what the root cause of the argument is, and might even give you enough time to look at the issue from your partner’s point of view.
While the above things need to be kept in mind; always remember that if you’re at fault, apologize! And, don’t panic if you find yourself fighting with your partner — conflicts can also be the key to a long-lasting relationship. Do you agree? Let us know in the comments below.